


Coming Home

by freddiejoey



Category: Arthur of the Britons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-30
Updated: 2011-08-30
Packaged: 2017-10-23 06:15:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/247119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freddiejoey/pseuds/freddiejoey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angst from the Past.....</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coming Home

Part One

It is very quiet tonight.I can hear the occasional tapping of the door sentry’s spear against the wicker wall outside and once or twice the lonely howl of a grey wolf far out in the woods. Across the room, Llud snores lustily. He consumed far too much mead earlier and staggered to bed very late. I turn my head to gaze at Kai in the moonlight. Asleep, Kai resembles what I think an angel must look like. He breathes contentedly. I have been away from my village for a little more than a month and this is my first night at home again. There was a trip far to the north to see Corin and check that his “granite stone” defences were in place. Then, a long-planned visit with Mark, to discuss the usual strategies and the ruses of our fellow chieftains. And I was hardly an hour out of the saddle this afternoon, when in rode Ambrose and his men wanting to discuss the matter of reinforcements for the eastern tracts of his territory. So, all in all, there should have been little opportunity for idle musing. Yet, the whole time, there has been only one thought circling around in my head, over and over, refusing to withdraw, unable to be requited………………

I am tired to the very marrow of my bones and still I toss and turn. I should sleep. Another busy day tomorrow, a plethora of arrangements to be negotiated with Ambrose, Mark’s “imitation Roman.” This is hopeless. I slip out of bed, silently pad across the room and climb in beside Kai. I breathe in the poppy-scent of his tousled blonde hair and press my crotch against his bottom. Immediately I feel better. Immediately too something else starts to happen and I move back a little, careful not to disturb him. My Kai. I am certain that he hasn’t been completely abstemious while I’ve been away. One or two of the village girls will certainly have one or two stories to blush over. And on my last night with Mark, he paraded a well-rounded redhead in front of me in a way that left no doubt as to what I was meant to do with her back in the guest quarters – and so I duly obliged. However they are merely momentary diversions. Right here lies my heart. Now, if only my foolhardy mind would just quieten. But dawn comes and I am still awake…………

Ambrose is more difficult to deal with than I had anticipated and it is late the following day before we come to a satisfactory agreement. My head throbs. I feel overwrought and edgy. There has been no time or opportunity to be alone with Kai for more than a moment. No chance for anything much more than his public “Welcome home, little brother”, an affectionate clasp of his hand, an arm slung casually around my shoulders. Although, last night, while the raucous feasting and drinking continued in the main room of the longhouse, I had gone into our bedroom to find a gift that Corin had sent home with me for Llud - and suddenly a hot firm familiar mouth was pressed against mine. My knees yielded under me and I sat down hard on the end of Llud’s bed. Kai just grinned wickedly, murmured “ That’s a bit better welcome home, little brother, but I can improve on it later” and went to rejoin the festivities . Of course, I was expected to make rational conversation for the rest of the night with that promise hanging in the air. Then our father became uproariously drunk and had to be virtually wrestled to bed and by that time, Kai was almost asleep on his feet from too much mead as well. Which just left me, sober and fretful, awake with my circling thoughts.

As dusk falls on my first full day back in my village, I wander down to the stables for a respite before entertaining Ambrose and his men again tonight. Thank God they will be gone early tomorrow. I need some time to simply enjoy the rhythms of village life again, to laugh with Llud, to ride down to the river alone with Kai……….The horses whinny in welcome and I rub my face playfully against the muzzle of Bran, my white horse. There is a soft foot fall behind me and I spin around to see Kai. “Little brother.” And then I am in his arms, being kissed savagely, in sweet hunger, in ferocious love. My head spins and I stumble against him. This is what I have craved for weeks and yet I am still restless, somehow detached.

Frantically I return Kai’s kiss and then drop to my knees and loosen the fastenings of his breeches. I take him in my mouth and slowly guide my lips over the tip of his prick, keeping my mouth taut as I slide gently down his shaft. Kai’s fingers knot in my hair. I flatten my tongue against the underside of his prick and lick it in wide wet strokes – then push my tongue into his foreskin and circle around the head of his cock with almost brutal ferocity. I feel his exuberant reaction, see him stuff his hand in his own mouth to stifle the intensity of his response. When it is over I remain on my knees for a moment to steady my reeling head and then swallow and get to my feet. I kiss him once briefly and turn to leave. “I must make sure everything is ready for Ambrose tonight. Tomorrow we can ride down to the river and take the whole afternoon to finish this. I’ve missed you more than I thought it was humanly possible to miss another. I love you.” I am halfway to the stable door when I feel a hand in my hair again. Kai pulls my head around so that I am forced to face him. “I love you too and that was astounding, but Arthur, I know something’s troubling you. What happened while you were away?” I am horrified to feel hot tears rushing into my eyes and blink them furiously away. I smile. “Nothing, big brother. I’m just tired from all the days travelling and now Ambrose and his demands. Everything will be better once he’s gone.” Kai doesn’t seem convinced. His brown eyes anxiously try to read mine, but at last he lets me go with a playful swat to my rear. “Alright, but I warn you. Get plenty of sleep tonight little brother. That trip to the river tomorrow won’t be a leisurely one.”

The evening drags. I eat very little and drink less. Several times I feel Kai’s concerned gaze on me, but each time I give him what I hope is an encouraging smile. He and Llud both enthusiastically consume mead and join in the general loud congenial banter. But my head begins to pound again and I go outside for some air and quiet. The moon is shining, bathing the whole village in milky luminance. The air is cool on my hot cheeks and I begin to feel steadier. Then, as I turn to go back inside the longhouse, one of my scouts, a ruddy-haired youngster named Kile, comes trotting in to report to the gate sentries that all is well down toward the river valley. He swings from his horse – and suddenly I am thirteen years old again, watching with fierce envy as Kai and another youth with russet hair are allowed to ride out to hunt, while I, the chieftain in waiting, am confined inside with Brother Amlodd, quill and parchment. My headache returns with callous intensity and I hardly make it to a pile of old straw behind the stables before violently expelling the contents of my stomach.

At first, I think that I have been condemned to another sleepless night but I finally succumb to exhaustion and tonight I dream. Of course my dreams are full of Aidan. Aidan with the bright hair and brighter smile. Aidan who was seven years my elder, so probably five years older than Kai. Aidan who was the village’s most skilled young swordsman and lethal too with an axe. Aidan who may have broken my heart from beyond the grave………………

He was the son of one of Llud’s oldest friends, long dead fighting the Saxons in the east. Therefore Llud took a fatherly interest in him, saw that he and his mother were always well provided for, helped arrange advantageous marriages for his trio of pretty sisters. Aidan was always around us, at weapons practice, at feasting in the longhouse, learning smelting and casting in the forge, caring for the horses. He and Kai were close. He had been one of the first to accept the woebegone Saxon orphan that Llud had bought back to the village after his homestead was torched. More than once I saw him give other crueller boys a beating for ridiculing Kai. I liked Aidan. He was kind and trustworthy and a staunch friend.

I know that when the time came it was Aidan who provided Kai with timely advice about pleasing a girl. Not that Kai soon required instruction. I don’t recall Aidan ever taking an appreciable interest in female company after that. For a handsome young man, he actually seemed remarkably disinterested. What I do recall with intense clarity are the occasions when he and Kai were free to ride out laughing and cuffing each other light-heartedly, while I was forced to stay behind and be schooled in the responsibilities of a chieftain. I recall the resentment and the hot angry tears. I remember the feelings of triumphant gloating when they returned and Aidan went home to his mother, while I had Kai all to myself in the longhouse.

Eventually, Kai was allowed to accompany Llud, Aidan and the other men on defensive raids and into battle. I chafed with envy, but Llud was adamant that I would not be permitted to join the war band until he deemed me ready. I practised ever longer hours with sword and axe, shield and spear – until even Llud had to give his grudging consent. I was fifteen when he announced that I would be allowed to go along on an expedition to try and quell, Mordor, the father of Corin.

Mordor was a monster, burning, pillaging and terrorising Celtic, Saxon and Jutish regions alike. He was as unlike the levelheaded reflective Corin as it is possible for a son to be different from a father. We rode out on a windy morning in late autumn, Kai, Llud, Aidan and I and about a dozen others and made camp late that afternoon in woods near Mordor’s encampment. I remember that Kai and Aidan went off to find kindling and were gone a much greater time than the task seemed to warrant. Kai was quiet when they came back, but Aidan was buoyant and lively – so much so that he earned a tongue lashing from Llud who was always testy before battle and no doubt twice over that night because of me. I was excited and nervous, overwhelmed and oddly elated. But I was relieved too to finally lie down beside a subdued Kai under his voluminous sheepskin coverings. Sometime during the night I awoke sobbing as I had not since the nightmares I had suffered when my mother died. Kai came awake beside me, gathering me up into his arms, holding and rocking me, making soothing noises until I quietened back into whimpering sleep. My beloved Kai. My heart.

The battle on the next midday was fierce and exhausting. I killed my first two men and wounded more. I took only a paltry scratch to my forearm and Kai a lightly slashed left leg. Llud came through unscathed – but Mordor escaped and our losses were heavy. Four men dead and Aidan with a gaping wound to his stomach. We made a litter and slung him between two of the horses to bring him home. Llud carried with him certain sleeping draughts prepared by Leni’s mother Ana, yet even these seemed to do little to alleviate Aidan’s agony. He groaned and wept, calling for his mother – and for Kai. Taking it by gentle stages, we reached the village a day and a half later. Ana was sent for but she only examined Aidan briefly before shaking her head sorrowfully at Llud. Kai and Aidan’s mother sat with him throughout the night, with Llud keeping vigil at the door. He died as the first flaming rays of dawn brightened the eastern sky.

I wake suddenly, alarmed and disorientated. It takes a moment to align myself. My head is still suffused with images of Aidan and his haunting smile. Furiously, I run my hands through my hair. I am in the longhouse bedroom. I am home and this morning Ambrose and his men depart. Once again, I have sought refuge beside Kai sometime during the night. He sleeps on peacefully in the early morning light filtering through the thatch. As usual, Llud is snorting and hissing in his bed. I lie back down and nestle against Kai’s warmth. At once, I know that something is terribly wrong. I am utterly flaccid.

 

Part Two

I look down with almost comical confusion.This has never happened before – not even during my first time with a woman, highly overdue at seventeen. And since Kai and I…………the problem has been precisely the opposite.

Since Kai and I…………Since I pretended to be hit in the face by a flying branch and killed and, while we waited for the villagers to return, Kai had the courage that I had lacked since I was sixteen, to throw all caution to the wind and bruise his mouth against mine…..Since the year that followed that was always two steps headway (Kai) and three steps rearward (me)…..Since we rode home with Goda slung in front of Kai, I so miserable that all the way I had to resist the urge to tear her from the horse and throw her to the ground and then so physically depleted that I had to lean on one of the stable hands to dismount in front of the longhouse………..since Morcant drowned among the lilies and I pulled my wretched sodden Kai from the lake………. since the moment during the journey from King Athel’s village when I finally had the temerity to make the declaration that I should have pledged right from the beginning under that murderous branch : “My Kai.” “My heart.” “I love you……..”

I walk outside the longhouse and plunge my head in the water trough, trying to clear my mind. The last three years, since Morcant’s death, have been the happiest of my life. Kai’s love has been a revelation, an epiphany. So what has suddenly altered everything? One chance remark when Kai returned proudly with his impressive stash of Mordant’s weapons and told me about the conversation he had had with the imprisoned Rulf while also pretending to be a captured Saxon. “We’ve all lost someone we loved in battle. It hurts for a while.” An apparently innocuous statement, but noted by me and filed away against the day when its cloaked meaning would be illuminated. As I believe it has been recently when I travelled north to see Corin.

One night we sat up late drinking and talking and Corin gave me a full account of the day when I took Llud off with me to see Hereward and left Kai here to sort out matters concerning Corin and his quest for vengeance. As Kai wielded his axe in apparently lethal fashion, he recounted a story to Corin of a dear friend he had lost to Mordor’s butchery – a friend dear enough to drive him to seek retribution. There were more than a few men from our village lost to Mordor’s savagery during the years of his bloodletting - but only one that Kai would have singled out as a dear friend: Aidan.

Back in the longhouse, Kai raises his eyebrows quizzically at my drenched hair but says nothing. Llud is full of industry this morning and hardly waits for me to wave off Ambrose and his men before dragging me out to the fields to inspect some cattle fencing that apparently needs replacing. As we leave the longhouse, Kai calls out to remind me that we are going riding to the river in the afternoon. “Be ready to dash little brother.” My heart thuds so noisily in my chest that I’m surprised Llud doesn’t comment.

Certainly my love for Llud is boundless. He is the most wonderful father in the world and I would give my life for his without hesitation. But this morning the last thing I want to look at is wicker work and steaming cattle. I must make some sort of vaguely appropriate response however because Llud marches off smiling to arrange a work party to cut new stakes.

We return to the village and I attempt a semblance of eating the midday meal with Kai and Llud. I am starkly terrified. Kai lounges back on my right, laughing and golden. His brown eyes meet mine in amusement, in promise – and under cover of the table, I remain perfectly listless. Because of last night’s vivid dreams and the pernicious thoughts that have circled inside my head like a pack of malevolent black crows for days. If I wasn’t in such misery it would actually be amusing. I can’t count the number of times over the past few years that I have had to conceal my bulging cock under my cloak, against my horse’s flank, behind a conveniently placed piece of furniture – all on Kai’s behalf. We have had hysterics over it on endless occasions alone together. But today – absolutely nothing.

Kai is waiting with both of our horses ready as soon as the meal is finished. He hands me my horse’s bridle with a devil-may-care wink and then knees the horse into motion. I follow him, galloping out of the palisade gate at speed, as we have on so many other sunny afternoons. But I am wretched, my head is hammering again and I pull Bran back to a canter. By the time, I reach the river, Kai is already in the sparkling water, stripped to his breeches. “Come on in, little brother. What took you so long?” I dismount slowly, take off my shirt and boots, and wade into the water. It is cool and soothing. At once I begin to calm down. Perhaps everything will be alright after all. For a while we simply sport around in the water, splashing and wallowing like children. Under the overarching willows, it is green and tranquil. I gradually relax. Yes, surely it is all going to be alright…….

Then I feel Kai’s eyes on me - nothing childlike in their expression now, gleaming impudently. “I think we’re clean enough Arthur. Time to get out and do something to dry off.” Almost reluctantly, I climb up the bank to where my brother is waiting, dripping wet and glorious. I try and smile. For the first time, Kai looks troubled. “Arthur, what’s wrong?” “Nothing.” I lay down on the ground in the dappled shadows, leaning back on my elbows. “Come Kai, come here to me.” Grinning, he approaches, bends to kiss my mouth with rough exuberance, moves further down and takes one of my nipples deliciously between teeth and tongue. I do try. I grasp his face between my hands and kiss him desperately back, his forehead and cheeks, his mouth and at the base of his throat. Kai shivers. I roll over, push him down hard on the ground, hear him give a slight groan as his skull forcibly hits the grass. I am about to lower my mouth to his again but he catches my hands in both of his and holds me still. Kai’s hands have always been larger and stronger than mine. I am pinioned and compelled to look him straight in the eye.

“Arthur, for God’s sake, what is it? ” I am silent, averting my gaze. Kai shakes me, softly and then more forcefully. “Talk to me little brother please. What happened while you were away? Did you meet somebody else?” He takes my continued silence as consent. He releases my hands and I move away from him and sit, my arms wrapped around my bunched knees. I hear Kai tramping to the river and a splash as he throws water over his face. Then he is standing directly in front of me again , blocking out the light. “What’s her name?” His voice is harsh and heartsick. I notice his choice of gender and laugh bitterly. “If only……” I get to my feet and stand to face him. Kai looks confused and close to tears. “Tell me big brother, that first time we….after Cerdig’s men perished in the marshlands, when you told me that I was the first, did you speak the truth?” Kai looks even more bewildered. He wrinkles his brow. “I told you that you were first in my heart, first in my life and that has never changed. It was the truth then. It is the truth now. Why are we talking about this little brother?” Suddenly I am angry and so very tired. I shout at Kai, heedless of who might be able to hear in the woods. “Because I was not the first was I, not like that, not for you. For you it was Aidan.”

There is a lull. Far off in the undergrowth, a cuckoo gives its plaintive cry. Kai goes pale and I know that I am right. Furiously, I gather up my boots and my shirt and run to my horse. I swing barefoot on to his back and gather in the reins. In two great strides, Kai is beside me, holding firmly to my stirrup. He looks up at me. He is weeping. “Arthur, I don’t know what you think you know or how you guessed. But believe me, it happened only twice. Once out hunting and then again, a few weeks later, on the night before you were blooded in battle – a few days before Aidan died. I… it was a kindness little brother, because he told me that he felt a foreboding about the next day’s battle. But, Aidan was a friend, nothing more and afterwards I told him so – because I already knew that for me there would only ever be you. I said that it could never happen again because I loved you. It has always been you Arthur, always only you.” Kai is crying loudly now. I cannot bear to be near him. I cannot bear not to be near him. Viciously, I dig my heels into my horse’s flanks and he shoots forward at a gallop. Kai falls to the ground with the force of Bran’s movement. “Arthur.” I hear his agonized shout echoing through the woods behind me. My vision is blurred by hot tears. I don’t look back.

I stop down near the lake and dress properly. Then I ride back to the village and give a series of orders. I am stuffing garments into my saddle bags when Llud comes into our bedroom. He looks startled. “What are you doing?” “Packing. I am going to see Tarn. I’ve been remiss in not going sooner. Athel is getting more feeble and there are pressing matters to discuss. Then across to Gaul to bargain for some battle horses. We need new stock and I want to start breeding. You know that’s always been one of my ambitions. Dilan and Tugram are going to accompany me. Tugram’s experienced and Dilan’s a reliable young man”. I continue to march around the room, picking up and discarding a series of objects that I cannot even identify. Shrewdly, Llud narrows his eyes. “Arthur, you have hardly been home for two days. The village will start to think you’re just a myth. I know that you have treaties to maintain, the Celtic alliance to oversee, but you also need time here with your people, with your family.” “I have you and Kai to look after things for me here.” I swallow hard. It hurts to even say his name.

Llud bites his lip musingly, but then all he asks is “Anyway, where is your brother?” “Riding to the ridge above the village. The warning system up there has to be mended. He’ll be back soon.” By the time Llud discovers that this is a lie, I will be leagues away, riding to Tarn’s village. I pull the recalcitrant straps of my saddle bags and swear under my breath when one snaps. “Well” Llud sighs. “If you feel that it is important, then I suppose you must go. But please promise me that next time when you come home, that you will really stay home.” I nod, unable to speak for the lump in my throat. “Kai can’t be happy about this either.” The lump threatens to throttle me. “He knows what my responsibilities are. And I’ll be back soon enough.” My voice sounds rusty. Then I do something that I have not done for an age, - something Kai does far more often – I put my arms around our father and murmur “Athair”. Llud looks a little startled, but pats my arm in a kindly fashion. I’m well aware that he’s well aware that something is far from right. But he cannot for the moment fault my plans – the visit to Tarn is overdue and our battle horses do need replenishing. Only the inexplicable haste disconcerts him. I am at the door when Llud coughs. I turn around again. Llud is surveying the assortment of clothes and other possessions that I have left strewn around the room. “Arthur, one moment, you cannot go just yet.” “Why?” Llud gives me a wry glance. “Because, Arthur, all the things that you have packed in your saddle bags belong to me.”

Dilan, Tugram and I ride out at sunset and turn our horses toward the coast. Silhouetted against the crimson sky, I see my brother in the distance, returning along the road beside the river. He will soon be home where our father will be waiting. I raise my head and sniff the fresh wind. It holds a hint of autumn, of smoke and mist and harvests. The summer is over – the death of a season, of a minstrel song, of a dream.

Part Three

The crossing to Gaul is rough and blustery. Dilan leans over the side of the vessel and is violently ill. I clasp his head and hold back his hair. I am a good steady sailor and so is hoary old Tugram. He is busy calming our restive horses. The salt spray clings to my unkempt beard and tangles in my unruly hair. We were three weeks in Tarn’s village, mending the last remnants of Morcant’s treachery. At some stage during that time, I stopped wanting to shave and even comb my hair. It didn’t seem important any more. Nothing much did. I know that I am starting to resemble a wild bear and probably smell like one too. I care less as each day passes.

Three days ago, just before we left Tarn’s village, a messenger arrived from Llud. General news – everything is thriving in the village, the fruit harvest is bountiful, the Picts are dormant, the Scots are quiescent – nothing particular or extraordinary. Just the stark facts – my father and my brother are well and trust I am the same.

We land in Gaul during a stormy dawn. In the port I pay for a woman – beautiful, if as unlaundered and dishevelled as me – and come, spilling my seed along her thigh, my agonised tears into her knotted hair. We ride inland to the estate of a Spanish horse dealer. He is renowned for his cunning, but I am in no mood for duplicity and besides, I carry a good supply of silver. Our business is concluded quickly – two mares and two stallions. The genesis of our Celtic battle horse stock. No reason now not to turn towards home. I know Tugram and Dilan are both anxious to return – Tugram’s wife is with child and from a few campfire conversations, I have gleaned that Dilan believes his sweetheart could be in the same condition. It is unfair of me to keep them away because of my personal tumult. Besides I am their chieftain – time to begin acting like one again.

The horses are being loaded on to the boat deck for the crossing back to our homeland when the accident happens. One mare, the creamy one that Dilan has already christened Epona in honour of the Horsegoddess, is especially skittish. I walk her carefully on deck, making soothing noises with my tongue, meaning to tether her firmly and slip the hobbles on her legs. But a sudden booming noise from the dock startles her. I see the terrified whites of her eyes. I feel the thud of her flailing hoof against the back of my head. I am enveloped in darkness…………

He knows that He is somewhere safe. His eyes are closed but he is content and warm. He opens his eyes and looks straight into his own blue gaze. He knows that it is his mother, although his memories of her are now so hazy. She has his black hair, his obstinate mouth, his dimpled chin. Tenderly she lays her hand on his cheek. He recognises this feeling that her presence gives him. It is more than happiness or fulfilment – it is……..it is the feeling that Kai brings to him. He opens his mouth to tell his mother not to leave but the darkness comes down again.

“Lucky not to have done more damage…….hello he’s awake.” Dilan’s freckled face grins down at me in relief. My head is in his lap and we are lying on the glistening deck of the ship. It is moving and nearby the horses whinny fretfully. Tugram comes into view. He smiles. “You took a decent blow to the head Arthur, yet it hardly grazed the skin. Must have glanced off or your skull is especially thick. You’ll have a decent headache tomorrow though.” I return his smile crookedly. “I’ve survived worst from the Picts – and Llud’s tongue”. Dilan slips a square of fleece under my head. “Well, Tugram and I are very glad that you’re going to be alright. Neither of us much fancied delivering any unfortunate news to Llud or Kai. Both of us are far too petrified of the one’s silver hand and the other’s axe.” I am still chuckling when my homeland comes into view through the mist.

Tugram is right – I have a throbbing head the next day, yet suddenly, they are not the only ones itching to reach our village. We have to take it in passive stages because of the horses, but on the third day we ride over the ridge above the estuary and there is our encampment laid out below, looking just the same, tranquil and sturdy in the coppery autumn light. Entering the palisade gate I am flooded with relief. This is where I belong – this is where my heart lies.

Llud comes rushing out of the longhouse, wreathed in smiles. Tugram and Dilan’s womenfolk appear, one waddling, one dancing with excitement. I scan the faces of the welcoming crowd, gathering around to admire the sleek new horses. No Kai. As I dismount, Llud wrinkles his noise. He looks disapprovingly at my thick beard and matted hair. “Have you changed your clothes since you’ve been away? Congratulations on the horses, they’re wonderful, but Arthur, are you being transformed into an unwashed savage?” I grin at him. “Nothing some hot water and soap won’t cure.” “Yes, and not before time it seems.” Llud gives me a searching look. “You know, you’ve always been the image of your mother. Your first father’s eyes were brown and his hair the colour of amber, but standing there now you clearly have the stamp of being his son.” He shakes his head wistfully. ‘See, I’m becoming nostalgic in my old age. Get along with you now so I can bear to share the longhouse with you again.” I turn to walk up the ramp, when I hear Llud’s voice call softly behind me. “Arthur” “Yes?” “Welcome home” It is then, as I am smiling with affection at my father, that from the corner of my eye, I see Kai ride through the palisade gate – and I see the look of astonished alarm on his face as he takes in my appearance. Heart thudding wildly, I flee into the sanctuary of the longhouse.

A few hours later, Llud comes to tell me that Dilan and Tugram will be sharing the evening meal with us. “But that’s all – just those two and your brother. The serious feasting and drinking can wait until you are more rested. Especially as Tugram tells me that you took a blow to the head a few days ago.” I’ve been removing the grime and mire of the journey. He looks me up and down approvingly. “Well, I must say that’s better. At least now you resemble yourself again.” I have bathed in steamy soapy hot water and shaved for the first time in weeks. Leni has been to cut the snarls from my hair and after her busy clipping my head feels light. I am also wearing clean clothes that feel soft against my wind chafed skin. I busy myself fastening the clasp of my sword belt. “Leni checked the wound from Epona’s hoof. She thinks that it’s healing nicely.” I wander over to my bed and sit down to pull on my boots. “Kai’s been well?” I make the enquiry sound as casual as possible. Llud snorts. “Kai has been irascible, frequently drunken, cantankerous and erratic. I hope your homecoming will improve his mood. He’s out in the stables now seeing to your acquisitions but he’ll be here shortly.” Llud turns to leave and then turns back, a knowing glint in his eye. “As if you didn’t know exactly how Kai was before you left on your far flung travels. And left him here to mope all over me for weeks. Well Arthur now it’s your turn. This old man needs a rest.”

Left alone, I sit down on the end of my bed in a cold sweat. I haven’t laid eyes on Kai, apart from that one startled glance as I fled into the longhouse. But I now know exactly what I need to say to him. I need to say that I fully understand all that Aidan had done – to fall in love with Kai and declare that love. Who could understand that better than me? I need to say that nothing else matters but now. Yet, I feel more tense and edgy than before battle. There, the stakes are more simple – your life in the next hour, the next minute. Here, the stakes are far higher – my heart, forever.

When I enter the main room of the long house, Kai is lounging beside the hearth with Llud, laughing, mead cup in one hand. No sheepskin tonight. He’s wearing black so that he looks very blonde, very austere, wholly breathtaking. How am I supposed to get through this meal and appear in control of my senses? No doubt about all bodily parts being sprightly now – everything is in fact much too skittish for comfort. Llud rises and walks over. “See, I told you that he scrubbed up well.” He raises his goblet of mead. “Here’s to something novel. Both of my sons in the same room at once. And one not getting ready to rush out the door on some clamorous errand.” Llud smiles, seemingly serene. For half a heartbeat, Kai’s steady brown gaze meets mine and then flashes away.

We sit down to eat, Kai on my right, Llud on my left, Dilan and Tugram in high spirits at the end of the table. Both of them and Llud are soon overfull of mead, but I hardly touch any and from the corner of my eye, I notice that Kai does not refill his cup – although he appears hearty enough. The tales of our recent travels become more embellished as the mead continues to flow. Kai joins in, throwing in a witty remark here, an impertinent comment there, never looking directly at me. I sit, mechanically eating and speaking. I have never desired him more or loved him as much as I do at this moment.

Finally, Tugram yells drunkenly, “You’ve been quiet all night Arthur. It’s your turn to tell us a story.” I spread my hands sadly and smile. “It won’t be a very lively fable I’m afraid” “Why, what does it concern?” Llud is chewing methodically on a chicken leg. I realise that he is not half as befuddled as I had supposed. “It concerns a fool who was wrongfully wrong and wrongfully wilful.” “What did he do?” Dilan calls out, banging his cup on the table for emphasis. “Fell in love, irrevocably, with the most wonderful person in the world and was lucky enough to be loved the same way in return. But then he reduced everything to ashes by making something that didn’t matter at all into something insurmountable”. My voice is very quiet. Beside me Kai is perfectly still, listening. Thoughtfully, Llud takes a last sip of mead.” “So Arthur, how does the story end?” I lean back in my chair and sigh, too terrified to look at Kai. “If I knew that Llud, then I would know everything.”

I walk Dilan and Tugram out into the autumnal night, once again giving them my thanks. I take a deep breath, feel my heart thudding in my chest. My hands are shaking. Now or never. I push open the longhouse door – the main room is completely empty. Kai and Llud have both gone. The fire crackles. The candles flicker. Hot tears flood my eyes and threaten to spill over. I had been so expectant – no, not even expectant, merely hopeful………Well…..

Suddenly I am overwhelmed by exhaustion. My head starts to throb again. Llud must be making his usual nightly inspection of the village perimeter. But Kai – Kai has no doubt found consolation with Leesa or Piala or Mairenn or Sabina……… I start to weep - stumble toward the bedroom door, open it – and gasp.

Part Four

Stretched out luxuriously in my bed lies Kai, scantily covered by a carelessly flung sheep skin. Under it he is utterly naked. He holds one cup of mead and has another perched on the bedside chest. “Little brother, you took your time. I almost fell asleep waiting. And its getting cold in here - the days are closing in. I need more warmth.” He puts his head on one side. “Arthur, close your mouth. Didn’t Llud teach us that it’s ill-mannered to stare in that way?” I walk carefully to the foot of my bed, holding my breath, heart pounding. “So did you find my story pleasing?” I ask with seeming impassivity. Kai looks thoughtful and tilts his head the other way, considering. “Well it made total sense and was certainly better than those songs the minstrel sings about black ducks and green lakes – but there was something lacking” I raise an enquiring eyebrow. “It left out what this fool should have told the person he loves most in the world, the person who completes him. This fool should have told you everything from the beginning so that all of this trouble could have been avoided in the first place.” “And” I say softly, “it really didn’t say enough about this even greater simpleton who worried so much about something that happened a lifetime ago, that he nearly lost everything most precious to him.”

Kai sighs in relief and makes a sweeping gesture with his cup of mead. “Well, now that’s all nicely sorted out, little brother, don’t you think that it’s time for bed?” He tries to look concerned again, but bursts out laughing. “ Arthur, I hope you aren’t too fond of that shirt because you appear to be destroying it in your haste and your sword belt shouldn’t be flung about so recklessly and your boots have just landed under Llud’s bed and……” My mouth crushes his. “My Kai, my heart” I whisper against his ear. He rubs his hand tenderly down my newly shaven face. “ Pity. I rather liked the idea of bedding a bearded savage with such an impressive weapon.” My brother kisses me playfully on the bridge of my nose. “And he is so impatient….” Kai looks meaningfully down toward my rampant prick. “Oh that” I try and look indifferent. “I’ve been hiding it under the table half the night.” “Only half?” Kai tut tuts softly and gives me a mockingly severe gaze. “Arthur, I’m slipping.” He starts to run a finger languidly along my hardness. “I see that I have vast improvements to make” I grin back. “No big brother.” I survey his wonderful whipcord lean body. “Nothing about you will ever need improvement.” Silently I place a finger against his beautiful mouth, bidding him with my eyes to simply be still.

I kneel before him and using my hands, gently caress his inner thighs, the rigidity of his prick, his lithesome balls, the supple area between his opening and his soft patch of golden silky down. His brown eyes widen and I hear his sharp intake of breath. When I reach the tender indentation that I know so well, on the underside of his cock, Kai gives a rapturous whimper of ecstasy and my heart soars.

Then I start to lick and kiss his groin, making patterns with the tip of my tongue, coming close to his cock and then drifting away. I gently lick the ticklish crease where his leg meets his prick and bury my face in his blonde thistledown. Kai plunges his hands into my hair. With infinite tenderness, I brush my lips over his hardness, so that he can feel my breath. I kiss him once softly there and then more savagely. My brother’s fingers clench against my scalp. Warmly I lick along both sides of his gloriously erect shaft and move my tongue in ever decreasing circles along its length. Then I take him in my mouth.

I begin to suck, lightly at first, then more belligerently - at the same time slipping two fingers into Kai’s wet delicious cleft. I know it will be soon. Kai’s palms press with urgent intensity against my forehead. I hear his fierce whisper – “Oh my beautiful little brother, how I love you.” And then he comes and my mouth is intoxicatingly deluged with the seed of my heart……………..

“Arthur” Kai rides down the steep slope toward me, grinning in the spring sunshine. “Both of the mares you bought back from Gaul are in foal according to Llud. You made a worthwhile commitment there.” He winks and knees his horse into a gallop, returning back up the ridge to our father. I laugh and rein in Bran, preparatory to following him. Yes Kai, a worthwhile commitment when I committed my heart and my life to yours. Suddenly I understand the word that all along has embodied my feelings for Kai,- when I see him smile, when his skin brushes mine, when I hold him at night. The word is home.


End file.
